How to Change the World Using “Kevin Can Wait” in 22 Easy Steps
The inside story of the rise — and further rise — of The Church of Kevin James.
After a year spent sifting through the debris of fake news sites and Russian cyber attacks, it’s important to remember that the internet can also be used for good. In July 2017, a brave anonymous individual (whom I can neither confirm nor deny the identity of) set out on a mission to prove just that, using the best weapon for unification Americans have at their disposal: the multi-camera network sitcom.
The following is a rare, exclusive, step-by-step look at the schemes and tactics employed to orchestrate the rise and further rise of The Church of Kevin James.
1. Spend approximately 2 years working at a job where your vocal appreciation for The King of Queens leads you to become known as the office’s resident King of Queens fan.
2. In anticipation of the then-upcoming CBS sitcom Kevin Can Wait, spend your free time at said job stealthily taping photos of Kevin James’ face onto every photo in your coworker’s office. (This includes creating a fake version of the company’s intern photo roster, replacing every intern’s headshot with a different photo of Kevin James.)
3. After unexpectedly leaving your job during an off-week without the proper chance to say goodbye, vow to keep in contact with select coworkers by creating an e-newsletter for a fictional entity known as the “Committee for Kevin Can Wait Awareness” (or CFKCWA) — cleverly titling the publication “Kevin Can’t Wait” — and adding each of them to the mailing list against their will. Inform all followers upfront that they can unsubscribe if they prefer, but note at the bottom of each email that the “unsubscribe” feature is not available at this time. Backlash will be swift and strong. Do not let this deter you.
4. Make it clear that you are not affiliated with Kevin Can Wait, Kevin James, CBS, or any other related company or individual in any capacity.
5. Begin by sending out the newsletter’s first weekly feature: “Is Kevin Can Wait On This Week?”
6. Deny everything.
7. Increase frequency of emails.
8. Increase number of recipients to the mailing list — especially if they did not ask to be a part of it.
9. Try to remain strong as you are faced with the difficult task of informing your followers about the impending sudden death of beloved Kevin Can Wait character Donna Gable (Erinn Hayes). Vow to hold a candlelight vigil in Donna’s honor. (Note: You do not have to actually keep this promise. Surprisingly, you will face literally zero backlash after forgetting to organize a dramatic memorial service for a departed network sitcom character.)
10. As your own personal exercises in creativity, begin to fictionalize the narrative surrounding the show’s addition of Leah Remini and dismissal of Erinn Hayes by crafting a series of clearly satirical, non-disparaging emails that relay various anecdotes (read: jokes) to your followers, including the following updates (read, again: jokes):
- “Erinn Hayes has reportedly signed on to produce and star in an A&E docu-series about the struggles of life after a network sitcom, entitled Erinn Hayes: Kevin James and the Aftermath.”
- “The Committee prohibits its members from participating in the couple’s costume craze that is sweeping the nation this Halloween: Dressing as Kevin and the Ghost of Donna Gable.”
- “The following book is available NOW!:
11. Proudly announce to your followers that the “Committee for Kevin Can Wait Awareness” has finally achieved tax-exempt status, thereby allowing the group to function as a full-fledged religious organization in the eyes of the United States government. Assure your followers that “THE WAR IS OVER!” (Be sure to provide a link to the Committee’s video recording of this announcement.)
12. Rebrand the Committee as the “Church of Kevin James”.
13. In steadfast defense of Kevin Can Wait amidst the growing media scrutiny over the way in which the show chose to deal with Kevin’s wife’s death, suddenly deny that the character of Donna Gable ever existed. While the public will know that you are obviously lying, remember: It doesn’t matter. Nothing can stop you. You’re a tax-exempt, religious organization now.
14. Become nervous when President Trump signs off on the release of the #DonnaGableFiles, a veritable treasure trove of heretofore classified CIA documents surrounding the investigation into the death of Donna Gable. Again, deny everything.
15. Throughout this process, fight to endure months of your friends and ex-coworkers vocally objecting to both you and the “Church of Kevin James” — which, of course, you have continually assured them you have nothing to do with. Consider what these consistent negative reactions mean: Almost none of them have thought to move these freaking emails to their “Spam” folder.
16. Launch a fundraising campaign on GoFundMe to finally fix the Church newsletter’s broken “unsubscribe” feature, setting the goal as the full estimated I.T. support cost of $5. Note to your followers that all subsequent donations received after the $5 goal has been met will be donated to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital — one of the world’s leading facilities for the research and treatment of pediatric cancer and other life-threatening illnesses. Remind them: Givin’ Can’t Wait.
17. Make it clear that you are not affiliated with St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital in any capacity other than that of an unsolicited prospective donor.
18. Sit back and watch the donations pour in as your campaign raises a grand total of $5 in less than 48 hours, thereby meeting your goal but allowing only a modest $0 to go toward St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital this holiday season.
19. Inform your followers that, given the spirit of the holiday season and the embarrassingly low fundraiser turnout, the Church has decided to reroute its planned tech support funding to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital as a donation, thereby bringing the total amount raised for the cause thus far to $5* — a decision borne entirely of generosity but that, unfortunately, means the Church will remain unable to offer its newsletter recipients a functioning “unsubscribe” feature. Anyone who argues this point will have to do so knowing that they are literally taking money away from sick children.
*Well, $4.75 after applicable fees.
20. Remind the general public that even though the donation period has ended, they can always donate directly to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, a life-saving, world-changing organization that needs you to help them make a difference. (Using GoFundMe would have taken a percentage of donations away from the charity anyway, which you hadn’t even considered at first.)
21. When inevitably flooded with requests for comment from the media at large, provide only the following comment:
Official Statement from the Church of Kevin James:
I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
22. Enjoy the holidays in self-assured comfort, knowing you’ve gone above and beyond to fulfill the two most important purposes of humankind: helping those in need, and directing more eyeballs to network television.
